Love & Respect

November 4, 2007 at 10:51 pm (General, Philosophy)

This weekend Chuck and I attended a marriage conference. It was the first we’d ever gone to, and it was incredible! I’m not much for mushy emotional conferences, so we were both delighted to see this one didn’t have much…make that “any”… of that! The speakers were Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his wife Sarah. He’d been a pastor for 20+ years (and also has a doctorate in Family psychology) when he felt that this message about marriage was meant to be preached on a wider scale. The basic principle is really simple, based on Ephesians 5:33:

“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (NIV)

He talks about how women have the need to feel loved and men need to feel respected. The first part of that probably comes at no surprise, but the respect part…that’s not heard much in our culture. If you’ve ever read “Bringing Up Boys” by James Dobson or “Wild At Heart” by John Elderedge, you may have heard some of this. More and more I’m realizing how much I had been indoctrinated with feminism and it affected how I treated Chuck and viewed myself and my worth (which I wrote about here, for instance). This conference had a great message, well balanced and really explaining some things that had always been confusing to me (such as what submission really means).

It was so neat to see the little things I’d finally figured out over these almost 8 years come together and totally make sense (I’m a slow learner!)…things like how women prefer to talk face to face, heart to heart…men prefer to do things “shoulder to shoulder.” I didn’t realize that until a few months ago!! All this time I thought Chuck didn’t want to bond with me because he didn’t have this need to talk heart to heart like I did! And I even used to think it was absurd when I was in high school and my dad would say he wanted to spend time with me, but then he’d want to sit together and watch tv… I used to balk at that and say, “I don’t get it. Just let me go out with my friends (who talk to me face to face), rather than sit here and waste time watching tv.” Now I know that that was his idea of bonding…) And Emerson talked about “the crazy cycle,” where “without love she reacts without respect,” and “without respect he reacts without love.” Want your husband to show you love more? Demonstrate your respect for him more. Novel concept, huh?

Emerson also got very deep into some Biblical principles which really made sense and there were a lot of “ah ha!” moments where everything worked together. And he showed us the bigger picture, the purpose of marriage. How God uses it to make us more like Christ. He said things like “God wants you holy more than He wants you to be happy.” Definitely a message we need to be reminded of in this “love saturated” culture we live in. Yes, God loves us, but that doesn’t mean that He will always make us happy. As I talked about recently, sometimes His plan for us means being uncomfortable…even experiencing great loss. It doesn’t mean for a minute that He doesn’t love us.

Anyhow, all this to say, if you ever get a chance to attend this “Love & Respect” conference, it’s worth every penny! And there are books, small group curriculum, dvds of the conference, etc. on their website, Love & Respect.com. Emerson is also a talented speaker, and I had a lot of respect for his willingness to take on some hard topics, and explain things so simply. Most of all I loved how he and his wife both said, “This is nothing new, and not our idea. Ephesians 5 has been there for 2000 years, a treasure hidden in plain sight.” This isn’t a new fab in pop theology, but practical wisdom. I also loved how it was a conference that, although overtly Christian, was meant for anyone, and didn’t intend to make anyone feel uncomfortable, regardless of religious background. I especially liked how it wasn’t mushy, which means men can enjoy it! Chuck really did! Also, I gained quite a few insights into parenting, and I’m going to be changing a few of the expectations I had for my boys… This conference really equipped me to be a better mom, although that wasn’t the intention!

So if you decide to enrich your marriage with this material, let me know…I’d love to hear what you think. :)

Love & Respect

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You might be nesting if…

October 29, 2007 at 2:10 am (Chandler, General, Philosophy)

You might be nesting if…

~You lie awake at night thinking of how you could rearrange every room in your house.

~You find yourself enamored with the organization aisle at Target.

~You have recurring dreams that you find hidden rooms in your house, fully furnished and decorated, that could solve your need for space.

~You no longer care how much things cost, you just want the million projects you’ve thought of to get accomplished right now!

~You make To Do lists every few hours.

~Your family tries to hide from you because they know you’ll put them to work.

~You find it hard to be away from home very long, not just because you miss your kids, but because you have things you should be getting done.

~You spend the bulk of your day thinking of various colors you could paint your bedroom.

~Your idea of fun would be cleaning and organizing junk drawers.

~Your favorite tv show is “Clean House.”

~You find yourself overly irritated that your bath mats are different colors.

~You blog a list of nesting symptoms at 2 AM instead of getting some much needed sleep.

~You’ve been anxious to pull out the Christmas tree and decorations since September.

~You start wrapping Christmas presents the week before Thanksgiving.

[These are only a few of the symptoms I've been experiencing lately. :P I think I'll keep adding to this list as time goes by...]

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Sovereign God

September 24, 2007 at 12:25 pm (General, Philosophy)

[I was a bit hesitant to share this, but I had to get it out of my head. It's completely off the cuff, and I may end up revising it. Feel free to give me your opinion...It's just what was on my heart as I heard this recent news...]

A friend of mine lost her husband this weekend. They were in a car accident. They’re both early twenties, and have 2 babies – a one year old and a two month old. They’d been married about 3 years. Strong believers, driving home from church picnic/ baptism service at a water hole when he lost control of the car.

Is it too late to warn you, this could be a depressing post?

Once again, my faith is tested. No matter how hard I try, God will not be the God I want Him to be…He’s going to be Who He is. Which means He’s going to allow things to happen that I don’t understand and don’t agree with. I guess that’s why I’m not God, and He is. But times like these make me wrestle with Him, and come out with a deeper, more mature faith.

The first time I realized God lets things happen like this was shortly after I was married. While Chuck and I were engaged, I met a couple (at the seminary I went to), who had been married just over a year, and were expecting their first child. The woman even made my wedding cakes, which were awesome, with a big baby belly. It was really cute. Chuck and I were married in December, and I didn’t see them much over the next semester, and she had the baby at the beginning of summer. That summer I sent her a Thank You card with some photos of her beautiful cakes. That August as I started back to school, her husband pulled me aside, thanked me for the Thank You, and told me she’d passed away. Six weeks after their daughter was born she came down with a weird form of Strep that went into her blood, and within a couple of days…she was gone. I cried and cried out to God the whole way home. How could He allow this to happen? Didn’t they deserve a good life? Besides, they were His servants!! And newly married, and with a baby who needed her momma!! If this could happen to them, it could happen to Chuck and I, too! (You can imagine my fear when Chuck gets heart problems the day after we found out we were pregnant the first time.) Finally I came to accept the fact that God is God. Even His foolishness is greater than our wisdom (1 Corinthians 1:25), so whom am I to decide what’s best? He is sovereign and He is love. He didn’t allow her to die in order to punish or hurt anyone, or even because He was unable to protect them. He has His reasons, which I still don’t know, but I can still trust that He loves us.

Ecclesiastes 3:11-14
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil–this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

Once again, I was tested when I watched another young couple lose their first child. They’d been married awhile, they were successful in conceiving the first time they tried, and the baby was born looking completely healthy…but tests had already shown he had a heart defect. He never came home from the hospital. For 5 long weeks they tried everything possible to save his precious life, but to no avail. I know God is there, that God loves them, but what was the point of allowing that to happen? What could possibly be worth going through such pain?

These experiences of loss are not just one time incidents…they last a lifetime in the lives of the families. And the grace part, the mercy part is this: God longs to comfort, and only He can truly heal. But even healing doesn’t mean you won’t think of your lost loved one for everyday of your life. But here’s Scriptural proof that God longs to comfort those who are hurting:

2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

But all this leads me to realize, life isn’t easy. No wonder my grandparents were ready to pass away when they did. Even for all the joy that life contains, it can also contain pain that lasts for your whole lifetime. Which leads me to these verses…

Ecclesiastes 7:1-4
A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of death better than the day of birth. It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.

When I would read the passage above, I always thought that was such a downer. How could the day of death be better than the day of birth?!! But the older I get, the more I get it.

Which leads me to my last reflection lately.

2 Corinthians 4:17
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

Not that this means we can earn our way to Heaven, but that Heaven is so beyond what we can imagine, all this suffering will pale in comparison. It’s like telling a woman who’s in the throes of pregnancy sickness that it’ll all be worth it in the end. Once that baby comes, it won’t matter how many times you threw up, or that you had no life for 9 months. But it’s hard to imagine until you hold your own little one. And while some of us have harder pregnancies than others, we all get to enjoy the incredible joy that comes from having a child. And while some of us have harder lives than others, all of us who know Christ, will get to experience the joy of Heaven with Him. Aren’t you glad that He offers this to everyone, and longs that none perish apart from Him?

Which leads me to my final point. There may be no security, even with God, from pain and loss. But there is an even more important security that He can bring. He will comfort us here, and He will bring us to Heaven when our time here is finally through. Maybe we’ll finally see why He allowed those things to happen. And we’ll be united with those who we lost that knew Him. Oh how I want to watch those reunions…the man and his daughter seeing his wife for the first time since the baby was 6 weeks old, the 5 week old baby with his eagerly waiting parents, and my friend and her two babies, with her husband. “God is faithful, Who called you into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ.” (1 Corinthians 1:9).

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Mammy's flowers (Psalms 103:15-17)

Jason & Kaleb (Psalms 103:13)

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Humbled

September 17, 2007 at 5:19 pm (Chance, Chandler, Charlie, General, Philosophy)

I guess I learned this weekend a little bit of a humbling lesson: I’m not a doctor. :)

When I was pregnant with Charlie, I read as many books on pregnancy as I drank gallons of chocolate milk. Once I got to the actual delivery, I learned that no matter of knowledge can truly prepare you. Decisions had to be made where there wasn’t enough information to know which way was best, and honestly, I learned that relying on God’s peace was way more important than being informed.

My sister has done the same thing with her first pregnancy. It’s fun to watch! So last Friday she tells me she’s having contractions about 5 minutes apart for over 12 hours, and I’m amazed at how calm she is. Were they real contractions, or just the practice kind? She said she would try to walk to find out but usually had to stop and hold on to things for support. Had her water broken? No, but anytime she laid down, a little fluid would leak out when she sat up. Ok, my diagnosis is: get your pregnant self up to that hospital pronto! I’m 100 miles away, freaking out, ready to load up my kids and go get her myself. I won’t lie, Chuck gets off work, and he even takes over driving from me because I’m scaring him in my hysteric state! ;) So we rush into Austin just as she’s getting checked in at the hospital. They put her in a room, and the nurse checks her: no change. She’s still 1 cm dilated. She’s also talking and laughing, so I’m thinking…um that’s not active labor. But what about the leaking fluid…that has to be a rupture higher up in the womb. Let that go too long, and the baby could get an infection. He needs his amniotic fluid!! So, the nurse tests her with a liquid that would change colors if her water is broken…and it doesn’t change. Also, her doctor is on his way out of town, and informs the nurse to tell her to go home. I announce in my superior state that I disagree with this decision…I think her water has officially broken!

Anyhow, we’re already in Austin so we hang out for the weekend and her symptoms continue to be the same. But we head back Sunday night knowing I could be returning Monday if her doctor sees her and decides to induce. But the doctor sees her this morning, and tells her that SHE has an infection, but she’s not really leaking fluid, so there’s no need to induce. At this point, as Chuck so gently reminds me, I’m not the doctor. I know they can make mistakes but it’s probably more likely that my diagnosis is wrong. So if you think you might be in labor…I guess it’d be better to consult someone who delivers babies every day than a woman who thinks 2 deliveries is enough experience to be able to tell you what to do… ;)

Also, while on the subject of how I’ve been humbled lately, let’s not forget my interior decorating skills. Just like photography, interior decorating is way harder when you throw two little tornadoes (Charlie & Chance) into the mix. As I mentioned in a prior post, Chuck’s parents gave us a rug for our dining room. The amount of joy and satisfaction it has given me anytime I look at it, is probably more than what’s healthy! :) It’s not made of carpet, but a weave of some sort (kinda like a wicker basket). So I’m thinking, this is good, it’ll be easy to keep clean…WRONG. I completely underestimate my kids! Lately they’ve been wanting normal open cups instead of sippy cups (and I grieve, for sippy cups are so much cleaner!). This morning Chance spills his water, but that’s ok, that’s why all he gets is water in his cup! By the way, Chance can now open the dishwasher, get a clean cup out, go over to the fridge and get his cup full of water, and drink it. He’s mastered it from watching his brother, and my life just got that much easier. But back to the spillage… Chance spills water, so Charlie has to compete, and decides awhile later to spill Cran-Grape juice. That’s right, I let my kid have two of the most permanent dying agents in one drink! So, on it goes to the new rug…we’ve barely had it two weeks! And reality sets in: My decorating skills could use some honing. It’s like I forget sometimes that I have 2 kids (and one on the way!). Add it to the list of the little sacrifices you make in life once you become a parent. So the rug is rolled up and ready to go into our (imaginary) garage, err, um, attic and I’m humbled again…

It’s amazing how motherhood doesn’t just happen to you, you have to grow into it. While I had always wanted to stay home with my kids, housework and diaper changes were not my life’s ambition. I thought I had some intelligence that could be put to good use somewhere…I went to college, after all! I see so many of my friends become moms and suddenly they realize what all that entails…way more than most of us expected! And I don’t just mean the sleepless nights. I mean a paradigm shift in what you think gives you value. I may not win a Nobel Peace Prize, or be the CEO of some big company, but somehow becoming a better cook (an ambitious task for sure!), better decorator, better cleaner (I’m still not good at getting laundry stains out!), and especially a better teacher and nurturer are now my great and lofty goals. I may not be making any money, but hopefully I’m molding 2 (soon to be 3) precious lives…

Which leads me to my latest thought (I’m rambling, I know…thanks for humoring me by reading along!)… If my boys are looking to me to know what kind of woman to marry someday, they may be in trouble! I’ve thought today about how Charlie’s future wife will have to be very active. And she may have to accept that Charlie’s not very affectionate…although that makes the few times he is very special! Charlie will, however, be a great flirt. He loves to play games, especially hard-to-get. He’ll be a great leader in the relationship…which also means she’ll have to be a good follower!

However, Chance’s wife will be very pleased with all the sweetness this boy possesses. And oh how he loves sympathy! I remember one time as I surveyed my friend Steve’s mangled thumb from an accident at his work, I told him that must have hurt so bad! He kinda laughed and said, “Oh but it’s so worth it.” “How’s that?” I inquired. “Because when I get home from work my wife just oohs and ahhs over it and says ‘Oh honey, you work so hard for us!’” The attention it brought was worth the pain. Chance’s wife will definitely need to be good at dishing out the sympathy…

While I hope they find women who can cook better, accept their roles as wife, support, helper, and mother more easily than I have (and all the sacrifice and lack of freedom that brings…), I have a feeling it’s all a process. And maybe twenty some years from now, I can take her under my wing and give her some wisdom that I’m learning each day. Maybe by then I’ll be a better doctor and decorator!

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Shelley’s Story

August 23, 2007 at 10:36 am (General, Philosophy)

Ya know, I love blogging, but sometimes I feel like my own stories get a little…boring. Then I read people like Shelley Lubben’s, and think, “Ok, this I have to share.” This will make it worth your while, coming to read my blog.

This story is for anyone whose life has been affected in one way or another by the main sins of choice of our culture: sex (including porn), drugs, alcohol, unloving families, etc. And really, who hasn’t been either into that or effected by it in some way?! The reason I love Shelley’s story is because it holds out some much needed hope, that healing and love can still happen, and that change is possible! You don’t have to be a slave to sin. It’s refreshing, like being in the desert on a hot Texas day, and someone holding out a cold glass of water. Just what we needed, but not what we’d expect. The story’s a bit long, but totally worth the read. So without further adieu, here’s Shelley’s story.

Also, it would thrill me if you’d come back after you read it, and leave a comment with your thoughts/reactions. Seriously, I’d love to know what you think!

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